Perverts

For once in my life I am talking about perverts and I am not referring to myself. I had a bit of a blow today. I didn't do my research before I bought a house. I just ASSumed that because I lived by a school there would be no sex offenders around. That's what happens when I ASSume things. I forgot that if they can live by a school if they lived there before they committed the crime. So now I am the proud owner of a home located half a mile from Chester the Child Molester. This does not please me. I am trying to make myself feel better that Mr. Chester is 74. Surly he will die soon right? Fall break his hip and no longer be able to walk? The old grandpa on Family Guy that is always after Chris doesn't seem so funny anymore. What they hell was I thinking? I might have to trade in my pug for a pitbull.

Excuse me while I have a nervous breakdown

I know I have said in the past that I was going to crack up. But the possibility is really here this time. This move is getting to me. The kids are getting to me. My parents visit totally ruined me. I mean sitting in the corner drooling on myself with a straitjacket gotten to me. How can you live to be a certain age *cough 56* and not know how to get along with people? Just normal human beings. How can one person be so cool and marry someone so not cool? It blows my mind. Anyway I survived and they are gone and I will miss my Dad but I am glad he took his wife home.

When did this happen?

Yesterday after school I was sitting in the car waiting for my oldest to get off the bus. I had already picked up the younger two. So as I sit there the buses arrive and he is just standing there talking. I was early and he wasn't expecting me. So we sit there and observe as he macks on this group of girls. His wingman, aka my 4th child, by his side. I am dumbfounded. It was just yesterday that I made my mom park behind the middle school when she picked me up because I didn't want my friends to see me. I wasn't being mean really all the guys in school hit on her, but that's another post followed closely by a therapy session. So I find myself as the mom who sits in her minivan and watches her son hit on girls. When the hell did this happen? I demand a recount! Seriously when I had the kids I was always too young. Now I am old. I have decided that my kids made me old. If I was a single girl living in New York City I would be in my prime, doing well enough in my career to afford great shoes and just now thinking about marriage and kids. So there its all their fault that I am feeling old at 30.

One Day

I have decided that every woman should get one day a month off to lay in bed and cuss at Eve.Today was my day. There is nothing worse than the nothing fits but my sweats, cramping, emotional, first day of your period. I took my kids to school and went straight back to bed where I stayed till I had to go get them again 7 hours later. I wish they could drive and I never had to leave bed at all. Its just that bad today. Usually I only wish for a penis when I have to pee and there are no bathrooms but today I have a full case of penis envy. Bring on the menopause.

Phone Sex

So Mark and I don't really have phone sex I just always thought it was a great title. We do however spend a big chunk of our time together on the phone. We are at this point living in two different states at least for another month. I have always been someone who spends a lot of time on the phone. So the other night I was on said phone gossiping with my dear friend Katie and Mark calls to tell me goodnight. I get off the phone to talk to him. This is a big deal, together we have a total of 9 kids, for us to talk on the phone in peace is a BIG DEAL. So being the good wife that I am I talk to Mark. We are talking about the house we are buying and our upcoming move and I am telling him all my moving fears and how stressful it is, and how hard it is to make friends and etc. So then I am telling him that his cat is not eating. He does this every time Mark is gone for awhile. I am telling him this about his cat, the cat I could care less about, I am a dog person. So as I tell him all of this feline info he starts chuckling and then laughs and he says "Kenny just died". Excuse me? Kenny just died! Are you fucking kidding me? The man is ignoring me and watching South Park. Kenny always dies its not even funny anymore! This is why we don't have phone sex, he might ignore me when Cartman starts cussing.